


negative space

by caisha



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Parties, Romance, break ups
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2020-10-21 03:24:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20686712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caisha/pseuds/caisha
Summary: She's silent as they stare at the growing crowd, he seems undeterred by her lack of response as he continues, "Is that the dress you wore when we…?"She had hoped he wouldn't notice the one thing she couldn't let go, a memory of a night just like this, too long ago to remember clearly. Just moments, touches, the fire that had burned so brightly sparking in an instant."An interesting choice, considering," he mused, fingers dancing up her spine until finally she willed herself to pull away, subtly. Enough to make a point, but not enough to draw attention.If someone saw, it would all be for naught."Don't do that," she spoke lowly, voice strong and resolved. "Don't make this any harder than it already is. Let's just get through this night."





	negative space

**Author's Note:**

> almost 6 months ago I was inspired by a beautiful warm up piece my lovely friend Jess drew. I immediately wanted to write something with it, but could never quite get it right - do it justice. At least the first part of this does, I think...

** _Of course I love you, it is my fault that you have not known it all the while._ **

** _ ** _\- Antoine de Saint Exupéry_ ** _ **

A crisp burst of air swept through the car as her driver opened the door, hand slipping through his as she stepped onto the pavement. It was one of the last nights like this in her life, a bittersweet tang on her tongue as she thanked him, pulling her shawl closer around her shoulders.

The stairs seemed daunting, covered in needless carpet that muffled the sounds of her heels as she climbed each one, twirling the charm on her long necklace. Her hands gripped her clutch so tight her knuckles were bloodless by the time she reached the top, unbuckling it with shaky hands to present her invitation. The doormen were surprised.

She was early.

But she had to be, his assistant had left very strict instructions. Impersonal, distant. Cold.

Rey shook the bitterness out of her head, _ one more night. _

The museum was far more quiet than it had any right to be minutes before a gala celebrating its greatest patron, but perhaps it was just her senses dulling in preparation. The numbness she needed to get through any interactions with him unscathed, a disconnected feeling - hollow, like her heart.

She picked up a glass of champagne off an abandoned tray, escaping upstairs to watch the people filter in. Out of sight, as instructed.

Minutes passed, half an hour, her glass drained and set aside, forgotten. The floor below her nearly full with people in their finest attire, making her feel out of place all over again.

A shift of air against her back made her freeze, the sound of soft soled shoes clacking on the floor behind her making her swallow.

He settled next to her, watching her as she steadfastly ignored him for favor of the people below, fingers trailing up her bare back.

"You look gorgeous," his voice hit her hard and she steeled herself. _ Be numb, one more night. _But the warmth of him couldn't be entirely ignored, her body slightly leaning in towards him - his warmth, voice.

She's silent as they stare at the growing crowd, he seems undeterred by her lack of response as he continues, "Is that the dress you wore when we…?"

She had hoped he wouldn't notice the one thing she couldn't let go tonight, a memory of a night just like this, too long ago to remember clearly. Just moments, touches, the fire that had burned so brightly sparking in an instant.

"An interesting choice, considering," he mused, fingers dancing up her spine until finally she willed herself to pull away, subtly. Enough to make a point, but not enough to draw attention.

If someone saw, it would all be for naught.

"Don't do that," she spoke lowly, voice strong and resolved. "Don't make this any harder than it already is. Let's just get through this night."

_ And then no one will care, _she tells herself quietly. It was a foolish comfort. This was a stopgap, nothing more.

"You didn't have to come," there it was, the hard edge to his voice that made her shiver with an unnamed emotion.

She couldn't stop herself as she glanced at him, jaw clenched as he stared at the paintings across the balcony.

"Of course I did, Leia would have been so upset."

"Alright, then I didn't have to come. She'd have preferred you anyway," she felt the hurt underneath his cold words, she knew it well. The feeling of being unwanted by something you desperately needed.

It was always like that, they couldn't shake the ties - good and bad. It was messy, something he never knew how to deal with.

"That's not true and you know it, Ben," she twisted her body to look at his profile, leaning her elbow on the marble.

He heaved a great sigh before turning to meet her stare, "Shall we get this over with? I'm sure you have places you'd rather be, people…"

He still didn't understand and she shook her head as she held out her arm, "Lead the way, then."

They greeted the guest of honor, Leia Organa, illustrious patron in the name of her forgotten mother, Padme. Rey felt her sharp eyes on Ben's hand as it rested lightly against her arm and she cursed. There was no fooling her, she told Ben as much.

They should have told her.

But it had been too much, she had begged him not to tell - not yet, not until after.

_ "Oh god, what are we going to tell your parents?" Her mind had raced, logic pushing out the heartbreak. _

_ "FUCK my parents. This isn't about them, Rey - it's about US," he paced in front of her, hands raking through his hair as he struggled with his emotions. The fight had been the oldest one, reaching a breaking point that night. _

_ He stopped to look at her as she sat there, still and staring blankly, "Was it always about them? The family you wanted with them - you didn't need me for that, they would gladly have traded you for me." _

_ The anger lapped around them, warming the room and causing her to jump up, wrath bursting, "How dare you even suggest that? Don't put this on me when you're the one pushing me out. You've done nothing but grow colder and further away - this has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you. I _ loved _ you." _

_ A humorless chuckle, "Already the past tense, sweetheart? How fast you move on." _

_ The slap surprised them both, the red blooming in his face immediately as they stared at each other, moments slowing until she finally caught her breath. She gathered her things as he stood there watching, frozen in place. _

_ "I'll be back in the morning for the rest of my things," she told him, voice wavering only slightly. She hoped he wouldn't notice, but knew he would. _

_ His eyes followed her as she moved towards the door and as it closed behind her, she finally heard movement and something thick thudding against the wall with great force. _

Memories swirled as they danced, a fake smile plastered on her face as he remained stoic. As always. They hadn't spoken since that day three weeks ago. Hadn't mentioned the small black box that sat in the middle of their bed when she arrived the next morning with Finn and Rose to pack up.

They didn't understand, but she did. It was too late, though. He always said the wrong thing before the right one, always slightly behind her in movements.

Except when they danced, flowing and spinning slowly, feet shifting together in a rhythm that numbed the pain of memory. The fake smile slid into a real one as his hand slid around to her back, splayed there and guiding her movements. Some things had been so easy, but others - relationships shouldn't be that hard, she had said over and over again. She didn't understand that he had only ever seen hard ones, a mother and father who loved each other deeply, but could never seem to get it right for long.

Rey had never had anything to compare to, but knew that was not something she wanted for her life. And neither did Ben; he tried so hard to not be like them, but the world he stood in, the people surrounding him drew him in. Stoked the anger and fear and coldness until the man she had met on a night like this had ebbed away into a husk that held her close at night.

With each step of the dance they pulled closer, until her lips were inches from his skin, his eyes on her face as they moved. Stares followed them around, the beautiful titular couple - the princely son and his wayward love. All a show, she thought sadly - at least now.

The music descended into nothingness and they stood on the edge of the floor, holding each other still, neither one willing to pull away. To pull away meant to say goodbye again - and neither one could stomach it.

A hand moved to her neck, brushing fingers into her finely done hair, an elegant twist on the three-buns he had loved so much. His fingers brushed the back of her neck and she leaned into them almost unwillingly.

"Ben…" she whispered, ignoring the stares for once as her eyes closed at the movement.

"I miss you," was all he said, her eyes opening to see the question in his. She licked her lips and rose slightly in her heels to meet his descent. Their lips met for the first time in a month and she surged towards him in a desperate remembrance. It was always so simple like this.

He didn’t devour her the way she expected him to, simply took her force and let himself be molded by it. Lips parting ever so slightly, breathing in each other with an intimacy they had only ever found in each other.

The next song started and she pulled away abruptly, trying to ignore the red in his lips - a tell-tale sign of their embrace. She had let it go on too long, it was too complicated for gestures like that.

She pulled away, eyes downcast and ignoring the eyes on her as she walked as fast as she could towards the exit without arousing suspicion, her clutch in a death grip by her side weighing her down.

The tears that had welled up as she made her exit finally spilled over as the cold city air hit her face and for a moment she cursed her stupidity for not bringing her shawl. And other things.

Without a thought for her dress, she slumped on to the carpet-laden steps, looking out at the dark sky so devoid of stars. Once, she would look up at a skyline littered with starlight and find hope - hope she would get away to a happier place. But tonight the stars were gone, the city lights polluting the night sky. There was no hope here.

Footsteps sounded behind her, a sad mockery of earlier that evening. She didn't bother looking up as his feet came to rest beside her.

After a minute of silence, he sat beside her, the white fog of breath leaving his lungs as he breathed the crisp air.

"I'm sorry," was all he said and she let out a short laugh.

"For what?" _ When you left me, or when you kissed me? _

"The whole mess of us, really," the raw honesty she so loved about him was on display and she looked at his profile.

Her jaw worked for something to say, and against her better judgment she opened her clutch, pulling out the box that had haunted her for weeks.

He watched as she moved it between her fingers, deciding what to do - she brought it to give it back to him, but the words to explain wouldn't come.

"I didn't want to leave, not really," he finally spoke into the silence. Her eyes closed at his words, "I thought I made that clear."

His voice was confused - and maybe he still didn't get it. She steeled herself as she held up the box and looked him straight in the eye.

"Is this what you think being clear was?" His eyes darted to the box with something akin to fear, as if he didn't know how to navigate the anger flowing out of her. "You can't just leave this - you have to talk to me, Ben. You can't go three weeks only talking to me through an assistant. That's not how 'not wanting to leave' works."

She caught her breath, the cold air filling her lungs and numbing her fingers as it gripped the velvet.

"I didn't know what to say," he admitted finally. "You deserve so much better, and I didn't know how-"

"You _ talk _to me. You aren't the only one with insecurities. But it's my choice - our choice - to be together." She took a deep breath before, "Or not be together."

The words fell like an anvil between them, Ben shifting his feet closer to his chest, resting his arms on his knees. She didn't know what to do with the box in her hand, just clenched it tighter with every second. Rey looked around towards the entrance to the museum and spotted Leia staring at them from a pillar with a pursed look on her face.

"I guess our plan for tonight didn't work out so well," she said as she nodded towards the door. He looked over and cringed.

"I'll handle it," he responded as he watched her car pull up to the edge of the street. Rey stood, brushing the cold off her shoulders and looked down at the man she loved, but had lost.

"Good luck," was all she said before starting the long way down the stairs, each step filled with the lead of sorrow.

* * *

Their apartment seemed so empty now, since the morning she showed up to move only to find his things already gone along with a note giving it to her. A gesture of penance she understood - like the ring box on the bed - but it was too late, they had been broken enough.

She slipped off her heels, kicking them to the side of the door, following the hallway to her bedroom.

An hour later she was folded up into the side of the couch, t-shirt and pajama pants for the occasion, hair still coiffed in her three-bun style. It was the last vestige of the night, an evening she would never have again - the dress neatly packed away, shoes discarded, necklace on the counter of her bathroom.

Trying to find some solace, she buried herself in a book about far off fictional places, people should would never meet but knew intricately. Another hour passed and she heard hard knocking at her door.

Her body froze, tense at the sound - it was late, nothing good came from someone knocking that late. She slipped off the couch and unlocked her phone, thumb pressed against the emergency call button just in case.

She raised her body slightly to look out into the hallway and recognized the bent head with dark hair immediately.

Heaving a great sigh, she unlocked the door and slowly pulled it open, revealing his bent body. Arms pressed against both sides of the door, head hanging low as he stared at the floor.

"Ben," was all she said after long moments of silence that she couldn't stand. She didn't have it in her to be angry about his appearance, just emotionally drained from the night.

His fingers curled into the wooden frame as she said his name, a soft huff leaving him before he raised his head to stare at her.

The red-rimmed eyes made her swallow in surprise, the exhaustion evident in his face; she hadn't noticed the circles under his eyes until just now. She realized then his stylist must have covered them up to put on his best face. Now he just looked broken and haggard.

"I don't know how to fix us," his voice full of unshed tears. Rey pulled a hand away from the door and guided him inside, where he slipped onto a chair in the kitchen. Legs splayed out in a reminder of how large he was, even in their own apartment.

_ Her _apartment, she reminded herself.

"Maybe we can't be fixed," she replied finally, barely believing her own words.

He laughed softly as he finally stared at her, no longer the closed face she had begun to see so often. Open, emotional - honest.

"You let me go so easily," he said, a subtle accusation.

"You were pulling away, it was the out you wanted."

"I never wanted anything but you - work was just-"

"You can't be defined them - _ we _ can't be defined by them, Ben. They're poison for us. Snoke, Hux - they drain you of your warmth and light and eventually I wasn't enough to hold it back," the words pierced him, his face flinching slightly as her words hit. As the _ truth _hit.

Loving each other only took them so far, Ben knew that - he wanted her anger, to feel justified in how he had shattered them so quickly. But she wouldn't give it to him, loved him too much to feed it now that she could recognize it.

A choked sound from his chest pulled her closer to him, her hands resting in his hair as he leaned against her stomach, quiet tears filling the space around them.

"You can't push me away, you need me as much as I need you," she murmured as she ran her fingers through his hair.

He pulled away after a minute, deep breaths as she stepped away to watch him.

"I called them, after you left," he started and the lump lodged in her throat. Hope. "I can't be who I am with them, only with you."

"You quit?" She asked, not quite believing he had left the firm that had kept such a stranglehold on him for nearly a decade. Dangling promotions and deals and power to make real change before him every time he strayed a little further away. She refused any work functions after her run in with his boss, Snoke. His eyes followed her with a sharp cunning that crawled around her skin.

"I've always wanted you, nothing else is enough," was the answer he gave, rough with emotion. To that, she held out her hand and gave him a smile as he took it, dwarfing her own with his.

She laid down on the couch, pulling him to lay beside her, his hands playing with the buns in her hair as he curled into her, head pressed against her chest.

"I love you," he said as she leaned her head against his, wrapping her arms around him as tight as she could.

"I know," she replies. "I love you, too."

**Author's Note:**

> thank you! come find me on twitter/tumblr @reylosource


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